Step 9 - Making Amends...Not Just For Alcoholics Anymore

Step 9 - Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

This Friday, Good Lord willin' and the creek don't rise (one of my grandmother's many sayings), I will be driving from Houston to a little town in the panhandle of Texas called Friona. If you blink you miss it. There is not much up there but cattle and crude oil...the smell of money as my Pawpaw used to say. It is not exactly a thriving metropolis. Although it is a popular destination spot for the occasional tornado. So why make this 10 hour drive? I only have one reason and that is to say I am sorry. Let me explain...

Every summer as a child I spent time in Friona. This is where my Nenaw and Pawpaw lived. I loved my Nenaw and loved spending time there with her. I would shoot BB guns, climb trees, snap peas, eat peaches right off the tree, and we would dig a fire pit and roast hot dogs and marshmallows. I have so many good memories made in Friona. We were always so close. I called her my crazy Grandma. This was not an insult but a compliment that she embraced because she was so different from my other conservative and reserved grandmother. We stayed close as I got older. When I graduated Marine Corps boot camp she flew out with my parents for the ceremony. I never thought anything could happen to change our relationship but it did.

In 2004 we had a falling out. Why is not important. She hurt me and I hurt her. She was no longer my Nenaw. I stopped calling her that and talked about her using her name. It was easier for me to deal with if I separated Nenaw from this person who was now my grandmother. My Nenaw was the one I shared so many good memories with that I didn't want to lose or have tarnished. This person she had become was not my Nenaw. Both of us are extremely stubborn and never reached back out to the other. She has met my son because he was born before the falling out but she has never met my daughter and probably never will.

Eight years have passed since we have spoken to each other. She is 93 years old now and not in good health. She probably will never leave the hospital again.  She is frail and only a shell of what she used to be. Although my mom says she is still as feisty. I need to see her again. I need to say I am sorry for my part in our falling out. I need her to hear me say that. I have no idea what kind of reaction my presence will cause. She may be happy to see me or she may cuss me out. I don't know. All I know is I need to make amends. And I do this with no expectations that she will apologize for her part of our falling out. And honestly I don't care. She is 93 and set in her ways. But I am not. I am striving everyday to be better than I was the day before. Sometimes I slip and lose ground but I still try. This is a very necessary trip in my journey to be who I want to be.

I don't say any of this to say how wonderful I am or to draw attention to myself. If I was going to do that I should have taken this step years ago. Better late than never though. So wish me luck and send positive thoughts my way. This is going to be a very tough drive and a very emotional trip. If it goes well, who knows, maybe I will work on my next amends...my older brother. Keep coming back...it works if you work it.

Choosing to be Happy

I have no magic words to say on this topic. Do I really think it is as easy as just "choosing" to be happy? Yes and no. Coming to the realization that you can't MAKE someone else be "happy" is hard. Understanding that you may be able to lift their spirits with a smile, brighten their day with a hug, but you are not responsible for their overall happiness is hard. Watching and supporting someone you love who seems unable to find happy and yet not allowing that negativity to consume you and steal your happiness is hard. Knowing that your kids look to you and mirror your happiness or lack thereof is hard. Actually making the decision to do whatever it takes to get "happy" is hard. Losing people you love along the way that aren't willing or aren't capable of supporting your journey is hard. Not letting trials and tribulations extinguish your happiness is hard. Feeling the burden of misery being lifted off your shoulders is wonderful. Seeing the world in color again is incredible. Seeing your kids feed off your happiness and smile and laugh is priceless. Being happy is a choice. It is no one's responsibility but your own. You can't blame anyone but yourself if you lose it. It is nobody else's fault if you can't find it. I promise it is there. It may be buried under years of shit...but it is there. Find it, polish it up, be proud and show it off. You haven't lost your smile. It's right there under your nose. You just forgot it was there. Maybe you will inspire someone else to do the same. But that is up to them. Keep coming back...it works if you work it.    

Teaching my son to think...

Let me start off by saying I hate politics. It has become a dividing subject in my family. My family dynamic breaks down like this: My mom - fiscal conservative, social liberal. My dad - well...he is surely not leaning right. My baby brother - he is gay so he avoids the right. My older brother - die-hard southern baptist that doesn't have a left bone in his body. Then there is me...former student at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, extreme right leaning youth minister type that has completely changed my views on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If defined I lean left, but I prefer the "leave me the hell alone" stance.

In a past life, also known as marriage number one, I became a father to an awesome little boy. That little boy is now 12 and has begun discovering his identity. This is a pretty cool thing to observe as a dad. However, it troubles me when I see things happening to him that happened to me. Growing up southern baptist I was taught to regurgitate the company line in regards to politics and religion. I was taught to never question and that the democrats were HORRIBLE people. But my views and opinions have changed. I now ask questions and get the facts before I draw a conclusion and anything. My son's mom is still stuck in the grasp of the conservative and narrow-minded rhetoric. This poses a problem and internal struggle for my son.

We were sitting in the living room and an Obama for President commercial came on. He says "Oh geez...not Obama. He is so stupid." My ears perked up. I am not necessarily an Obama supporter but it intrigued my why a 12 year old would think our President is stupid. I asked him that question and his answer was "I don't know." So why would he say that? Because that is what his mom says. I asked if he had asked her why and he said no. So we had a talk about politics. We discussed the platform of each party and basic beliefs. I told him that he needs to form his own views and opinions about the world we live in and not just adopt someone else's. I told him that his mom and dad have differing views and opinions on politics and religion and I wasn't going to tell him which is right and which is wrong. I want him to be able to use the intellect he possesses, ask questions, and make his own decisions and draw his own conclusions. I want him to think. Keep coming back...it works if you work it.